28 March 2010
Adoption and Loss
Posted by BaBa under: Daily Life .
I read this over on Donna’s blog with a link about What Not to Say to an Adoptee. She had a link to a blog by an Adopted Young Lady from Korea who she had met at one of her triad meetings which brings together adopted adults with families raising adopted children. I hope that I got this correct. It is a topic that I am aware of and brings to my mind the idea of Loss and how you deal with this loss for you and your child.
We are adoptive parents of three (two that are grown with their own families) and our little guy. Each has a unique story and a different cultural background. We have been the recipient of the “Lucky” comments or the idea that we are saintly. I do not feel like I or my wife are saints and nicely explain this to those who try this line. I do not like the Lucky train of thought at all. We are “blessed to have each of our children as a part of our family which is indeed unique.
Adoption is about loss. This is also particularly different in our family as the older two were not children and so their stories and experiences are different. However, Loss goes both ways. There is loss on the adoptive parent’s side and I believe a much harder loss on the adopted child’s side.
Our loss is the bio-child we could not have. At one point in our lives, we had to make a painful decision about having biological children. We believe that we did make the correct decision, but the pain and loss was deep. It still is. However there is not a time when my mind thinks about what might have been that I do not reach the same decision that we made together to not risk my partner’s life in the desire to have a child. We cannot say those are Grandpa’s eyes, or that is so and so genes. These are real losses, but in my mind minor, but for others the desire to carry on your family’s gene pool is a big issue.
His loss is much more profound in my mind. He lost his culture which is thousands of year old and wonderful in many ways. He is a stranger in a strange land, but is in a loving family and with friends. He has not just adapted but is thriving and proudly claims his heritage and birth country even at 4. He will have questions which have no answers. I am preparing myself for these and how to explain what does not have an explanation. At least not an explanation that I know is correct. I have only the calculated guesses and theories none of which may be true. I will have to give him a list of theories all of which may be true to a degree after assuring him that neither I nor MaMa have the exact answers. I also will not go down the God’s plan route. While we see God’s hand in his joining our family, we do not see or want him to think that this means that God planned for him to be abandoned and to have created his loss of a biological family, country and culture.
Our journey with him has just begun, but we are mindful of all the issues and the losses. We never forget them, but we always look for the good in each situation though it is not easy. I write this not to say either Donna’s post or to Adoptee’s original post look at world without a positive view. It is a realistic view that we all will face these questions. I appreciate a small glimpse of how it could feel to an adoptee so that I might understand just a little better about his loss. I need this perspective to help me parent him and answer his questions as they come in the future.
